found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
