Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
