Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
