Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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