I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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