I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
