I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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