Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
