I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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