So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
