Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
