sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
