the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
