My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
