Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
