Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
