Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
How external is "for external use only"?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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