Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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