My liver just broke up with me...
I faked an abortion last night.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
