Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
