i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
