you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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