i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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