He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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