They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
