The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
