just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
