the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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