Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
