I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
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I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
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I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Come on in and take your pants off
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