I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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