i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
