Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
