So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
