I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Someone shattered a urinal.
I want her autograph on my taint
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
