Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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