you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.