In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
