Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize