I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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