Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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