I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
