My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
