2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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