not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
high people should be assigned attendants
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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