Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
