Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
it's like iHOP with fire
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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