And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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