ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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