literally had 100 drinks last night.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
