you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
