Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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