I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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