he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
