I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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