So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
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I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
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I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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