i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
