if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
